It Took Years for Sandy Hook Father to Disassemble Yuletide Fir Assisted by Offspring Before Tragedy
"Jessie and I arranged [a Christmas tree] and regrettably never had the opportunity to adorn it. I lacked the fortitude to dismantle it," expressed paternal figure Neil Heslin. Jesse Lewis, as recounted by his father, ardently anticipated the festivities, irrespective of the occasion.
“Whether it was Easter, the Fourth of July, Halloween, or Thanksgiving, he harbored an equal affection for each holiday,” articulated Neil Heslin about his progeny. “Yet, what exacerbates this festive season, spanning Christmas, Thanksgiving to the New Year, is that it coincides with the lamentable event.”
Five years have elapsed since the demise of Jesse, a 6-year-old, among 25 others—comprising 19 children—in the violent onslaught at Sandy Hook Elementary School on December 14, 2012.
The temporal trajectory post the tragedy has been a peculiar phenomenon for Heslin, simultaneously appearing fleeting (“some instances feel as if they transpired only yesterday”) and “protracted.”
“It has been a journey. Over a five-year span, my life, in particular, has undergone substantial changes,” shared Heslin with PEOPLE. “I have encountered myriad experiences.”
Yet, one constant remains—the irrevocable loss of Jesse.
“The anguish and torment persist, unrelenting, impervious to diminishment or mitigation with the passage of time,” asserts Heslin. “Perhaps it recedes and loses its acuteness, but it endures as an ever-present, open wound. Reminders of the bereavement persist continuously.” December 14, especially, is poignant; Heslin lost his son on that day in 2012, and, five years earlier, lost his mother on the same day. “It is a day when rising from bed feels unwarranted, laden with apprehension due to its historical association with tragedy,” he reflects.
While endeavoring to mechanically navigate through the holiday rituals, Heslin has decided against erecting a Christmas tree this year. Only recently did he dismantle the one he and Jesse had assembled before the mass shooting.
“For five years, I retained a tree that Jessie and I—four years ago—had arranged but never had the opportunity to embellish. I lacked the emotional strength to dismantle it,” disclosed Heslin. “To be honest, I couldn't even bear to gaze upon it. However, in the past year, I finally took it down.
“I won't be erecting another Christmas tree. I simply lack the fortitude.”
Jesse’s affectionate demeanor prompted his mother, Scarlett Lewis, to initiate the Jesse Lewis Choose Love Movement, focusing on aiding children with social and emotional learning. Her elder son, J.T. Lewis, Jesse’s sibling, received recognition last year at the Teen Choice Awards for founding Newtown Helps Rwanda.
“It has been five years, almost unbelievably, since the tragedy, and not a day, not even a minute, elapses without J.T. and me reflecting on Jesse and yearning for him,” shared Scarlett with PEOPLE. “Naturally, I dedicate nearly every waking moment to contributing to the resolution of the issues that led to the tragedy in the first place.” Mirroring the sorrow of her son’s father, Scarlett describes Jesse’s death as “akin to losing a limb.”
“He remains with me, albeit in a spiritual sense,” she adds. “Yet, there persists an enduring yearning, an everyday reality.”
The pain may not diminish, but they endure.
“J.T. and I strive to honor Jesse’s memory collectively by indulging in enjoyment,” says Scarlett. “Jesse left a small note for J.T., about this size, folded and left on J.T.’s desk. After the tragedy, when J.T. returned home, he found this little note, unfolded it, and it simply said, ‘Have a lot of fun.’”
“One of the pivotal realizations for me was acknowledging the event and moving forward, comprehending the need to proceed day by day,” reflects Heslin. “I accepted it immediately upon occurrence. Though displeased with the reality, cognizant of its immutable nature, I refused to allow it to ruin or further devastate my life.”
“Maintaining a busy schedule, ensuring mental engagement is crucial,” he emphasizes. “Even though, invariably, one finds oneself immersed in contemplation of Jesse from a distance.”
0 Comments